Freeware Games: Knytt and Knytt Stories

Oh shit. Oh SHIT. I bet you didn't even expect you'd be downloading one of the worst games of all time today did you? Oh god, now I know why they call it freeware. Paying for this or not, this shit would not only be called criminal, but also ethically, morally, and psychologically WRONG.

So, many of you have probably heard of the Grand Theft Auto series. The series is famous for the immense amounts of controversy surrounding the adult content while still being partly available to minors.

Oh hey, Earth to press? Hello? I'd like to inform you about a "game" called Knytt.

I mean, I've been on the internet. I've been using the internet for over 7 years in fact, so I'm basically an internet adept (or whatever you security programmers call it).

And I've seen some things.

But holy Christ.

Brace yourself.

Let's take a look at the main character for Knytt Stories.


Oh god. Oh fuck. I get sick just looking at that. I mean not only is the character in the nude, but look at the expression on its face. It's that terrible mix of pride and arrogance that makes you really think about our world today. Perhaps he caused 9/11. Perhaps he is the one keeping tobacco legalized. Perhaps he is responsible for the dark forces that motivate the sick intentions of pedophiles. Oh I know that feeling. It feels as if your dick is about to cry. Those aren't tears.

So you may ask, with such an appallingly explicit character design, what could you possibly do in this game? Well I'll tell you straight up, no bullshit, no strings attached, no fluff, this is exactly what you do:


Explore.



Let that settle in the kettle for a moment, I know. What kind of game would just have you explore? What incentive could their possibly be? Well fucking hold tight, cause I'll tell you.

So your main character is relaxing after, what can only be assumed, a rampage of killing deer, throwing away blank sheets of paper, and creating greenhouse gases. Out of nowhere, a latino time-traveling immigrant comes on a futuristic airship, bringing future technologies, philosophies, books, and ways only to better our lives.

Of course, Knytt isn't gonna have any of this.

Without hesitation, he throws sticks, rocks, and his mother's favorite china at our poor amigo, which inevitably leads to his ship exploding. The latino, firmly believing in a little thing called justice, tells Knytt to go and find all the ship's pieces or else he'll scold the young boy, perhaps a few spankings. Knytt only laughs in his face at this remarkably tame and good-mannered punishment, right before you gain control over the game. From here, you basically explore the entire world in search for the parts, only to sell them on the black market. The areas you explore are absolutely breathtaking, that is, before you get there. "Music" plays every once in awhile depending on what area, but hardly even passes as music. Imagine the sound of a man being forcefully fucked up his mouth, ass, and ear, by a horse who's suffering from downs syndrome and has gashes with puss that gradually waterfall into the man's mouth as he's screaming. Sodomites.

Each time you sell a part, the game goes to a cutscene of the latino crying one tear. One, solemn, genuine, tear. I can't even go over what happens when you sell all the parts. Let's just say the Japanese people wouldn't be phased at all.

It's honestly games like this that ruin the industry. Games that deserve to be in the spotlight, games that genuinely show that the medium should and can be treated with respect, are forced to rest in this game's shadow.


If you have connections, please, I and all sane people beg you, order a hit on Nicklas Nygren.

http://nifflas.ni2.se/

-Tyler.