Freeware Games: Survival Crisis Z

I'm a big fan of everything about zombies. Not so much a fanatic though. I don't fantasize about what I'll do with a combat shotgun surrounded by a cardboard box fortification I built myself. But they're still a pretty bad ass concept. They don't have morals, senses, perceptions, judgments, intentions, deadlines, or working organs. Just instinct. They're a force; an element, only meant for one thing. To fuck your shit up.
^FUCKING STUPID^

It's also happenstance that I'm a huge fan of freeware games. It's also happenstance that Skaware developed a freeware game about zombies called Survival Crisis Z.

Don't let screenshots fool you. The game's one of the best zombie-themed games ever.

You play as a guy who shoots undead things with guns. Or blows them up with things that blow up. Either way, you get set in this haunted randomized city with safe houses and not-safe houses scattered around. You can enter every building, in which you can scavenge for food, materials, money, guns and ammo or whatever. You'll come across some random hordes of zombies as you're exploring. Shoot them. You can talk to safe house owners to trade, get a random mission for money, or to compromise. By compromise I mean take the safe house over. When this happens however, it's just you against a horde of zombies that come in through every single hole in the wall of the building. If you can defend it, you get the safe house along with all the bonuses (a ready squad, you get money per zombie kill, etc.)

You can also make a bunch of shit to wreck with. Turrets and Molotov cocktails are a few examples.

The game's use of sound is crazy, which totally makes up for its graphics department. You have to play for yourself.

At midnight game-time, the city gets fucked up and you'll get teleported in and out of a silent hill-esque area. Shit is scary.

You're scary.

This game is scary - -

scary AWESOME

Only works with XP though.

http://skasoftware.com/files/scz.exe

Oh yeah there's also an arcade mode where you just keep shooting zombies with pick-ups and stuff. Just play the game already god damn.

I'M OUT

God damn bitches

Just gonna put up my feelings about things for a sec.

Debate: Nobody won i hate you all shut up

Atlantica Online: Fuck yes you are cool but i have 300 ginseng what the fuck am i supposed to do with 300 ginseng optimize your shit. also i lag like shit out of nowhere what the hell is wrong with you

Weekend: eat because i sleep, sleep because i eat.

/v/ vent: you guys are cool i wish i could hang out with you but i cant stop yelling at me

Megaman 9: you're a cool guy but i need:

Left 4 Dead: YOU ARE AWESOME IM SEND GABE CHOCOLATES AND HEARTS IF IT TURNS OUT LIKE I HOPE IT WILL <33<3<33

People: OPEN THE DOOR, GET ON THE FLOOR, EVERYONE WALK THE DINOSAUR~

but seriously stop.


Life: Sleep late, wake early, talk to strangers, havE fun.

I love you and everyone.

television was called books

i always lose i don't even like writing about it
i don't even like reading these days because there is nothing shocking: i'm just going to read infinite Jest over and over. when i'm reading real literature/articles/news i read so quick and i get to like twothirds-done and i stop because i understand the meaning of the literature/point of the article/relevance of the news: the end of things seems like insurance-of-beliefs for everyone around me
class feels like seven hours of being chained-down so i can't work to make money to buy bad things. but now with this new feeling about reading i don't even enjoy outside of class enough anymore.
last night when i went out to write and be drunk and cold all i could feel like was this:

'I DON'T KNOW YOU GUYS, BEING GOD IS A BIG RESPONSIBILITY

"I've just got this thing to show you. You have to come and see it."

"I have a bus to catch."

"You can get the next one."

"They're every half an hour," he objected.

"Please stay. You never stay."

"This had better be worth some of my time."

"Darling, just..."

Arnold was then just-inside the still swinging-doorway when his wife, whose face was still tear-stainedly-red whipped into their bedroom. He sighed. She passed through the hallway calmly, her footsteps even and relaxed; he didn't look up until she thrust the pocket-sized catharsis into his free hand, which, electrified by the sterility of the plastic, jolted up quickly to his eyeline for inspection. Behind it he thought he may have seen her teeth sneaking from the corners of her widening-lips.

"Wait, the plus means pregnant?"

While the months of resentment and true "getting-to-know-one-another-via-living-with-each-other-and-being-married" were to be turniqueted by embracing-arms, a jet-plane crushed their ceiling and smashed right into their bodies.'

My left me this morning

The Witcher:EE is 14.4 gigs.

Let me tell you what my 77 gig internal HDD is made up of right now.

• Warcraft 3
• Diablo 2
• Morrowind GOTY
• Deus Ex GOTY
• Quake 3 Arena
• School.
  
• Porn.
  
• The Witcher.

Something look wrong with that list? Yeah there is. That list should be like ten times bigger. But it's not. Because The Witcher: Enhanced Edition is 14 fucking gigabytes.

Listen up CDPROJEKT. I have things to put on my HDD. Like art, culture, and chemistries. I have to do calculations and shit. Matchmaking, blind dates, and cons. Fucking alpha shit, okay? I don't have time to play your pussy-ass dress up game with dynamic numbers. Please, PLEASE find a way to compress your shit or I swear I'll have to schedual a 40-day famine just to play this game, 'cause I can't do anything else.

Fuck bitches.

-Tyler.

television was called books

JOSHDRILLING VS. THE BLOG PT. TEW FOR A RECAP OF PART ONE TRY AND PICTURE AN HUNCHED OLD WOMAN WITH AN UMBRELLA OSMOTING INTO IL-JUNG'S LEATHERY SKULL
This is a graph showing increase in dopamine levels in the brain over time after being administered cocaine. if you'll notice, the dopamine levels actually rise just before being administered the cocaine also, clearly demonstrating something. Also! lincoln would be way grosser to fuck than douglas, it's not even questionable. this circle thing shows the demographic clientele ratio for public transportation. i've never understooden how 2% of the planet can just be 'other.' also what is 'home.' while you're think about science, get some andrew jackson:

no funny this time

metal gear solid 3 review
if you dont like metal gear solid 3 fuck you

thats a lil poem i wrote

SOULJA BOI TELL EM

SPORE: Before you buy.

• It's getting pirated out of every oriface.
• 8 hour game to Space Stage, even if you spend time creating shit.
• It's exactly as they promised, which might seem like a lot, but every phase is a dumbed down mini-game.
  
• It's fun seeing your friend's creatures and creations, and space stage is actually kind of fun.
• Super underwhelming. Over hyped by the consumers, not the developers.
• 8/10.
• I love you.
  

SPORE: Post-First Impression

SPORE: Pre-First Impression

-Tyler.

gaming worse than farting? we'll look into the subject at 11 o'clock

ive been wanting to talk about this for a while

i went to las vegas recently

drove there

mhm

well anyway while i was there i realized

it was hot

hotter than hell

you see im from beautiful connecticut

from middlesex to be exact

where our temperature is around 43 degrees fahrenheit almost all the time

so the 1200 degree weather in las vegas was a major change for me

so i did what most people would do to cope with the heat

i went to buy a slurpee

a slurpee sold at 7-11

a 7-11 that sold both slurpees and

madden 09

im not gonna repeat myself just read it again

madden 09 in a slurpee store

what has this industry come to

ill tell you what its come to

its come to relying on pretty pictures of payton

 mannings to sell games

well it wasnt always that way

the adventures of tom thumb #1 selling atari game in '87

remember the first time you saw that cover

games used to have style

now its just a new payton manning every god damn year

now who do i blame all this bullsh*t on

magicians

fuckin penn and teller

i saw them in las vegas too

was gonna do an interview with them for this blog

was gonna start out saying

what do you think of videogames

i did ask them

they said

we dont play videogames 

we just put the spells on the payton manning covers so people buy them

i threw down my notepad and left

no

im pissed 

i feel like expressing my emotions in pic of the blog form

thats my facial expression and my attitude towards magicians

naw i feel bad not giving you a funny pic

here ya go

now yall know my feelings about puking

Freeware Games: Knytt and Knytt Stories

Oh shit. Oh SHIT. I bet you didn't even expect you'd be downloading one of the worst games of all time today did you? Oh god, now I know why they call it freeware. Paying for this or not, this shit would not only be called criminal, but also ethically, morally, and psychologically WRONG.

So, many of you have probably heard of the Grand Theft Auto series. The series is famous for the immense amounts of controversy surrounding the adult content while still being partly available to minors.

Oh hey, Earth to press? Hello? I'd like to inform you about a "game" called Knytt.

I mean, I've been on the internet. I've been using the internet for over 7 years in fact, so I'm basically an internet adept (or whatever you security programmers call it).

And I've seen some things.

But holy Christ.

Brace yourself.

Let's take a look at the main character for Knytt Stories.


Oh god. Oh fuck. I get sick just looking at that. I mean not only is the character in the nude, but look at the expression on its face. It's that terrible mix of pride and arrogance that makes you really think about our world today. Perhaps he caused 9/11. Perhaps he is the one keeping tobacco legalized. Perhaps he is responsible for the dark forces that motivate the sick intentions of pedophiles. Oh I know that feeling. It feels as if your dick is about to cry. Those aren't tears.

So you may ask, with such an appallingly explicit character design, what could you possibly do in this game? Well I'll tell you straight up, no bullshit, no strings attached, no fluff, this is exactly what you do:


Explore.



Let that settle in the kettle for a moment, I know. What kind of game would just have you explore? What incentive could their possibly be? Well fucking hold tight, cause I'll tell you.

So your main character is relaxing after, what can only be assumed, a rampage of killing deer, throwing away blank sheets of paper, and creating greenhouse gases. Out of nowhere, a latino time-traveling immigrant comes on a futuristic airship, bringing future technologies, philosophies, books, and ways only to better our lives.

Of course, Knytt isn't gonna have any of this.

Without hesitation, he throws sticks, rocks, and his mother's favorite china at our poor amigo, which inevitably leads to his ship exploding. The latino, firmly believing in a little thing called justice, tells Knytt to go and find all the ship's pieces or else he'll scold the young boy, perhaps a few spankings. Knytt only laughs in his face at this remarkably tame and good-mannered punishment, right before you gain control over the game. From here, you basically explore the entire world in search for the parts, only to sell them on the black market. The areas you explore are absolutely breathtaking, that is, before you get there. "Music" plays every once in awhile depending on what area, but hardly even passes as music. Imagine the sound of a man being forcefully fucked up his mouth, ass, and ear, by a horse who's suffering from downs syndrome and has gashes with puss that gradually waterfall into the man's mouth as he's screaming. Sodomites.

Each time you sell a part, the game goes to a cutscene of the latino crying one tear. One, solemn, genuine, tear. I can't even go over what happens when you sell all the parts. Let's just say the Japanese people wouldn't be phased at all.

It's honestly games like this that ruin the industry. Games that deserve to be in the spotlight, games that genuinely show that the medium should and can be treated with respect, are forced to rest in this game's shadow.


If you have connections, please, I and all sane people beg you, order a hit on Nicklas Nygren.

http://nifflas.ni2.se/

-Tyler.

This Weekend, 2cb (?), with good times and good people.

My summary:

Kris and Dano like to overhype stuff in their spare time, which is all the time.

Dano's face makes me laugh.

I finally remembered the whole experience. Very strange. Won't forget it.

If Kris is interested, we'll talk about it.

God I'm hungry.

Very tired. Very slow.

Will Wright is a dick. Seriously.

Let's do lanch.

-Tyler.

old gaems

i played them

doom sucks

well its good

but it sucks

i like curse of monkey island

best game

i really think this game

myst would be better if my computer could make

 its graphics good

right now theyre craphics 

gonna play tomb raider 2 and alice tonight

oh wait

nvm

im gonna be playing the best gaem ever made tonight

i love the diversity of everything

spore is the game of obama

i love all the colours

i love ai 

its like life in a box

i love the rythm aspects of the game

i love how i can blow up planets

i love the jokes

napoleon dynamite quality jokes

i mean gimmie your tots

a farmer shoots a cow in front of a bunch of school kids

napoleon says the defect in this one is bleach

well i saw the movie last night and i think the defect in this movie is

bad story

bad characters

bad arty framing

bad racism

bad movie

1.5/100

napoleon+llama=fail

Osu!

Hey. What the fuck are you doing? Not playing this FUCKING AWESOME VERSION OF OSU! I FOUND.

http://osu.ppy.sh/?p=download

Before you go in, you should know what you're dealing with. Probably one of the best rhythm games ever made, is now available for the PC freely. It has a Stepmania-esque community where you can download custom and already-done songs for Osu!. There's multiplayer, online rankings, why the fuck aren't you playing it yet holy shit.

There's no words to describe this rhythm game. It's fast, it's fun, asian's love it. Derek, I'm talking to you buddy.

I have no wit tonight, sorry ladies. See you after the weekend.

-Tyler.

ok so this is gonna be my last post for a while

naw not really i love you guys too much

ive been thinking about the obama situation for a while now and i gotta say

its outta this world

i mean sure i guess tolerance is supposed to be what were all programmed to do these days but seriously

am i supposed to tolerate this obamanation

heh heh

or should i say abidenation

heh heh

john biden for vice president what is obama thinking

the whole idea of a governmental leader is someone who will represent us

not a puppet i dont believe in puppets

we cant have some vice president ready to take over who will not follow our wishes so that

instead

he can please his oh so holy pope

or should i say poop

heh heh

well its not up to me im way past my voting years these days

all i can really do is sit here and let the young ones absorb 

my truth and hopefully ill get some real decider makers this november

heres some more proof

hmm looks like that table cloth is made outta old pope hat material

4chan: Secret Club of the internet.

Hey buddy. Hey. I heard you go to 4chan? Is that true?

Hey?

Wanna know something?

You just lost the game.

Lol.

See what I did there? You just lost the game. See, that's a 4chan joke. You're from 4chan. Me and you, we understand each other. Not like these uncultured fucks who don't know an inside joke when they see it. Think of how confused they are by the concept. I bet we have so many other similar interests, such as beating dead horses. Hey, wanna know somethin' else buddy? Shoop da whoop. Oh lol. Did you catch that? That's another 4chan joke. I think they call them "meme"s right?

Oh and how about those pictures huh? Pretty gross! Of course I like to stick D batteries up little girl's snatches so they don't affect me whatsoever. I'm totally desentized from going to 4chan. Hey y'know what I did to my friend the other day? I meatspinned him. He got so grossed out! What a fag.

Y'know what else is for fags? Morals. See, I learned this from 4chan. I can be a jerk to anyone, because why should they care? If they don't humor me, they're bitches. Simple and plain. Fuck bitches. I was on stickam the other night with this bitch, and get this, all I said was "do u like mudkips???", like, y'know, that 4chan meme. Fucking bitch told me to get out. Can you believe that? Talk about overreacting! But me and you, we're different. We're above that. We get things that no one else does.

You and I, we're gonna be best friends, I know it. Do you understand how much we have in common now, that we both go to 4chan? Because see, the difference between us, and them, is that they overreact to everything. If someone gets killed, we laugh, but they cry. We're above that. We can make jokes about rape, sexism, racism. We can be bigots. We can talk as foul as we want, because we're above that. Why is everyone else so afraid, so weak. Why make a fuss over little things.

Why don't they understand?




-Tyler

Tyler Cole, among bricks.

Who am I, you ask?  A stunning figure, 5 feet afoot with a hugely impressive rhetoric, some would say.  A hero clad in invisible armor, with a strikingly powerful gait.

 I like to review things, because I like to see how right I am about everything.  See, people are ignorant.  They're ignorant to the fact of how wrong they all are, all the time.  This is where I come in.  I see my gift as a beacon of hope among this infested pile of mediocrity and unsuccess.  I am wit incarnate.

Enough with introductions.  I can't believe I posted that review of Castle Crashers only for it to be debunked by these two degenerates.  

-Tyler.

karl nanders, an introduction

hi guys im karl welcome to elaborate calculus

not sure what to write here just yet i dont really go out much

i watch a lot of television and videogames while i generally used to stay away from the movies and internet due to my lack of interest in art but lately my friends and family are proving to me that the internet is not art but a whole new world of opportunity

the internet is a new world of opportunity

when i say world i mean world in the sense of planet earth or on an even bigger scale jupiter

with all these new connections of the internet the opportunities may even surpass the gas giant

but with all this size comes confusion 

thats where i come in

i have come to bring you all the best parts of this new terrain 

and in order to make sure your hooked ill give you one of the best pictures ever posted onto a internet

plane+car=comedy

watch this page because you know you want to

i remain unwitty

in blaring contrast to my associates here. You will find my opinions often unoriginal or rehashed from more novel thinkers. You will find my tastes in music and the reasoning behind said tastes done not out of a love for the music, but the image it gives me. I hate video games. I like artwork that is generally disliked for the sake of liking a generally disliked something.

Also,
Cocks.

Kristian Talley

Castle Crashers: A biased and unprofessional review.

What's the best game of all-time? You got a good guess? You're wrong. That'd be Madden '92. What's the best beat-em-up of all time? Also wrong. That'd be Castle Crashers, ladies and gentlemen.

Castle Crashers is the newest 4 MB flash game freely avaliable at Newgrounds at the moment. It's not too much to talk about honestly. There's like 2 characters, obviously inspired (RIPPED OFF) from TMNT. The music is basically a 4x4 beat that loops. Backgrounds, foregrounds, hell even COLOR is to be desired.



Of course I jest. This is probably the best beat-em-up to come out, like, ever. It's the ultimate homage to beat-em-ups. You won't play a better 2D beat-em-up ever. Y'know why? 'Cause unfortunately, the genre's a dying breed. Yeah, people don't like to play good games anymore. Shocker.

Where do I even start? It's made by the same guys who did Alien Hominid. Lead Programmer being Tom Fulp and Lead Artist being Dan Paladin. With an artist with such a badass last name, how can you go wrong? The game looks absolutely beautiful. Don't even start with those "ENJOY YOUR 15 DOLLAR FLASH GAME" comments as the game's art could easily sell for 15 dollar posters. I'll admit, some backgrounds/foregrounds are lackluster, but why are you paying attention to that. You should be busy looking at how cool you are, how much better you're doing than your friend, and how awesome the music is.

Did I mention the music? It's one of the best video game soundtracks ever. And it was all done by like 10+ different people all from Newgounds. No seriously, Behemoth only composed about 4 songs for the game. It's got your epic movie scores, it's got those silly techno beats, it's got magic. The reason for so many styles is because of all the different areas. The game has every imaginable area that you can be awesome in, EXCEPT a city. Play Alien Hominid for that, cheapskate. And I'm not exaggerating either. Snow, Lava/Volcano, Magic, Castle/Village, Ship, Undead, Forest, you name it, it has it.

Gameplay. As it can't be stated enough, the gameplay is magnificent. Animations are clean, controls are intuitive, and the pacing is constant. Combat is done two ways: Melee (Heterosexuals) and Magic (Homosexuals). As you bash baddies, you gain XP and level up, which in return gives you stat points to spend on STR(Straight), INT(Gay), DEX(Guro), or VIT(Inflation). The more gay you get, the more spells you unlock and the more powerful they are. The more straight you get, the more damage you do with regular attacks. It's common sense to basically max out Straight and Gay for a good balance, and that leaves you with one decision. Guro or Inflation? It's basically whatever rocks your boat from then on.

There's also little animal buddies called Animal Orbs that help you a random way. And lots and lots of weapons. Fuck this game is fantastic.

Replayability? It's about five hours with one character. Read: One. There's like 20+ to unlock. You start out with four. Think about that. Imagine how much asskicking you'll do. You came, didn't you? I know I did, because there's also insane mode after you beat the normal one. That's rougly 10 hours with each character.

Flaws? The game has none. All ages can play this game. All races can enjoy it. Xbox Live is borked at the moment, but what's new?

I got 99 problems and Castle Crashers is the solution to all of them.

9/10.

Creation.

I made this blog in dedication and tribute to America's greatest creative mind, Jim Davis.

RIP Don LaFontaine, Bernie Mac, Isaac Hayes, Heath Ledger, All Victims, and Derek Ackawzda.