ELABORATE CALCULUS: The Life and Times

while the rains a turnin the ditches to mirroros

2009-04-20T22:15:00.000-07:00

there's been a series of real great soundtracked commercials in the past couplea days that i've seen and
i really like these thermal long underwears i just picked up agin recently on account of they are very comfortable and form-fitting but unlike most other tight pants or form fitting clothes they do not bother my leg hairs and
i'm not going to school as much anymore, on account of i dont really feel comfortable there and
there's a whole lot of electronic music out there, some bands to not listen to are: Starfucker, the woods, and mickey avalon while he may not exactly be electronic music he -is- exactly what not to listen to and
i wish postmodernism seemed less relevant especially everything jean baudrillard wrote and zizek'z whole life and roger rothenberg and
today i was asked if i knew who robert pattinson was again while getting miniwheats and reading Star magazine in-line and it made me wish my mustache were back on account of no one wanted to speak to me when i had it especially not to tell me i look vaguely like robert pattinson that vampire from that movie from that book and
roller blading seems like a very apt use-of-time and i hope i can convince money to be frittered towards its expenses and
it's good to be back

And Im smart

2009-03-16T14:18:00.001-07:00

I was thinking about competition today. Friendly competition between two people like in a game of Chess or Martial Arts or something. Like why people choose to be competitive over certain things more than others and why we're still competitive at all. I don't mean competitive over obvious things like money, food, control, etc. I mean like competitiveness where it doesn't really matter.

I could probably look this all up in wikipedia and find numerous studies to inform me on the roots of competitiveness and why we're like this, but I'm too lazy. So instead I'm gonna type my thoughts really fast.

I think as humans, part of our enjoyment comes from knowing and seeing that we grow. Knowing that we progress inch by inch, day by day, in whatever aspect we choose or unconsciously choose. We like to feel the sense of building ourselves from bottom to top and knowing we have control over what parts we want to build.

That's part of friendly competition I think, in sports and games. It's why people go into competitions knowing full well that one of you will lose and the other will win; where the only outcome is not material posession or fame, but knowing which one of you is the better man. One of you will be inferior to the other. But, acknowledging your mistakes when you lose, or acknowledging what you could've done better when you win, that's the enjoyment of friendly competition. Figuring out how you will improve or how you can improve.

Well the fun comes from that and playing the game itself...

Here's the funny thing though: The person who doesn't want to grow or improve, will ultimately feel angry or sad or frustrated when he/she loses. They want the winner to stoop down to their level in order for a "fair" fight. Those people only get their enjoyment from winning, which means that they don't do the competition to grow. They do it for fame, which I think is missing the entire point of a competition and life itself.

However, I think it takes a bit of extrovertedness to enjoy competition. There are those that just find it stupid to compete for whatever reason. They prefer growing through their own trials and tribulations competing only against themselves. Which is absolutely fine.

tl;dr
I like to think that I think about deep things every once in awhile. I'm insecure about my intelligence and I can't organize my thoughts very well.

I got thinking today

2009-03-16T13:27:00.000-07:00

Watchmen

Good movie overall. I went in with low expectations and came out with a smile on my face. The only problem is, Watchmen should not have been a movie at all. Alan Moore didn't create a narrative story, but instead created this alternate universe where comic book nerds decided to take initiative and God is born out of some lightning breaking machine.

Sort of like Star Wars and Star Trek. That's what Watchmen is. They both have their own fantastic story arcs and all, but what makes them such good shows is that they basically have so much lore and fiction inside the show, it makes them a potentially immersible universe.

While the movie emulated scenes from the comic word for word, action for action with an added 2 min slow-mo fight, that's all it was. Just scenes from the comic onto the big screen. Like many have said, I would've preferred if they'd done an HBO mini series or something.

There's a half a ton man living in Texas.

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/woman/real_life/article2107664.ece

Goodness.

Where am I going?

So I guess I'm gonna take the SAT next year. I'm getting really poor grades. I thought I was more responsible than that but whatever. Too poor to afford college and too irresponsible to get into one. I could always make those neat toys for Happy Meals.

Drawing

I'm painting and drawing more. Trying to find new ways to go about old concepts. I think I'm improving step by step. I'm taking painting class at CCA but I don't think that's helping at all. I've been trying to decide if learning to paint for reals will help me paint digitally or if they're two totally different things. See I can't paint with real paints because I fucking suck at mixing colors. I try and make violet and end up with a magnesium fire or something. I also cant get brush strokes down. I'll try and paint a tiny white glint on the tip of a child's nose and in half a second it turns into a deleted scene from a child porn.

Otherwise

I have no complaints. Life's good.

Things I need to pick up (recommended by friends):

Shantaram
Infinite Jest
Snow Crash
Ergo Proxy
Rosetta Stone Jap 3
Snacks.

This blog

2009-03-03T20:56:00.001-08:00

fucking sucks. How many "top 5 bideygame" lists are there?

Me

2009-01-09T23:11:00.000-08:00

too

I have not blogged in awhile.

2009-01-04T01:53:00.001-08:00

But I will soon.

Why does Valve always make good games

2008-11-16T20:15:00.001-08:00

No opinions, no arguments, no DISAGREEMENTS, because it's been proven with irrefutable fact.

I did a study on how Valve makes the best games and my results were that Valve has the best video game makers who know how to make the best video games.

So I dunno, maybe if you can get REALLY good video game makers, you can make good games. I'm sure there's some other dynamic variables, statistics, and number crunching algorithms as to how to make a good video game. But I think it all goes back to being good at making video games, which is what Valve does.

So for you nerds out there, I did this math problem for you

(v)*(vg^m+g)/(vg)=

Thanks friends!

left 4 dead

2008-11-10T21:40:00.001-08:00

before it dies tomorrow by whoring itself to the public id like to spend my two cents on this blog.
i like a lot of things about it, i love the sniper, the lvl 2 shotty, the boomer, the witch, the tank, gas tanks, subway cars, dismemberment, pipe bombs, saying i found a pipe bomb that looks like a bike, bill, louis, shoving and shooting, headshots, healing, and duel wielding.
but what i love most of all is the community. sure pushing a hunter off a buddy of mine is pretty cool cause its like "HAI AMIGO THIS HELPING 'CHTHER THING IS MEGA SUGOI AMIRITE?! ^U%"

but when you start a game making fun of a guys screen name and end it feeling like youve really survived a apocalypse while still being a jerk the whole time talking about halo and smash bros is really cool. for me, BITCH!

and i think what does it is the frequency of boss zombies who keep reminding you, hey broo i jut got smoked help me the fuck out! not many games make you feel so important, something valve seems to make a practice of hl2 and tf2 being other examples.

basically if you want me to feel like im playing a bad ass game make me feel as though if i wasnt in your make believe world all hell would break loose. other games like halo or mario make me feel like, if i die they can just send in a squad of soldiers or luigi.
i need to feel as though im their only hope, i want to be obi wan. to make tyler happy just make the premise on the back of the box sound cool

When FPS' are "bad ass".

2008-11-09T04:30:00.000-08:00

So, what constitutes as "bad ass"?

Killing every single demon that walked out of Hell and destroyed your space station on Mars? No, that's not nearly good enough. Afterwards, you walk straight into Lucifer's doorway and blow every god damn demon, succubus, and Cyberdemon back to fucking Jesus Christ himself. All for the sake of saying you wrecked Hell with just a double-barreled shotgun.

Or maybe planet earth did get invaded by aliens. Maybe they were more powerful in numbers, intelligence, willpower, and strength than every single human ever. All except Serious Sam, whom steamrolls the entire fucking race carrying a monolith that shoots cannon balls at 88 m/ph, all while wearing a white t-shirt and jeans. Look at that SERIOUS face.

What about a bad ass who already died? That's not gonna stop Daniel Garner, who sets up a deal with Mysterious Faggot from Faggotville to kill all of Hell's strongest generals with a laserropesawblade, a freezerayautoshotgun, a shurikenthrowinglightninggenerator, or a jesuschristfuckingminigunturretrocketlauncherareyoufuckingkidd
ingme. God wins, again.

Or maybe, just MAYBE, it's a summer afternoon, doing your daily jazzercises, baking some bagels, and having a generally super day. Until you get teleported to an arena designed by Satan's personal cabinet, and get blown up within half a second before you realize you're somehow ressurected, and then get blown up again. You try and figure out what the fuck is happening before some guy, who you're pretty sure is smoking a cigar, jumps - yes jumps - faster than freeway traffic and blows your head off with a shotgun. Then you're ressurected and this repeats itself around 30 times until you realize you have no more aspirations, goals, desires, or purpose to live anymore. Your only choice, is to kill. Your only goal, is to kill. Your only desire, is to kill. Your aspiration, is to kill the best. Kill them good.

Oh, but those are old games. Damn those are old. They're not good anymore. If you like them, you suck. Because they're old. The definition of old is: not quality; the opposite of quality; shit. So what's a NEW bad ass game? Something that breaks the boundaries of awesome, you ask?

This game. THIS game. Are you serious? Seriously? Yeah I am. What's more badass than my step-father, that guy who belongs in Office Space, a bi-curious tattoo salesman, and some sandwich making bitch putting away those retarded stereotypes I just made up, because the entire country's been infected with a virus that makes them want to kill everything that's not them. Not eat, not rape, not infect, kill. By the by, only you guys and probably 0.5% of the population are naturally immune. So what you gonna do?

I tell you what you gonna do. You gonna take a pistol, a med pack, some pills, and a gun of your choice to blow away every fucking zombie that comes within 5 miles of you. You will be strangled, vomited on, and fucked in every orifice, but most of all, you will survive. You'll survive when sixty zombies break through a wall you thought was safe from breaking. You'll survive when that retard sets off the car alarm and you have no med packs, no pills, and are hopelessly limping on one leg. You'll survive when you hear the deafening scream of the horde come at you, and ONLY you, because everyone else is dead. You'll survive when the director decides to be a dick and have a smoker strangle you away from the group, with boomer vomit following suit.

You'll also survive when this will happen differently every single time the game is played, but is no less challenging. It's four people against the world, and it is bad ass.

Senator Broken Jpg

2008-11-08T08:48:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday

November 4th 2008-

Senator Barack Obama

2008-11-04T20:55:00.001-08:00

RIP
August 4th 1961 - November 4th 2008

My top 5's off the TOP of my head!

2008-11-03T21:10:00.000-08:00

OKAY OKAY OKAY these are in no particular order

Video Games:

Half-Life 2 and episodes
Shadow of the Colossus
Zelda: MM
Phoenix Wright: Trials and Tribulations
Morrowind

Multiplayer (yes a separate section for multiplayer)

Quake 3 Arena
Warcraft 3
Team Fortress 2
Super Smash Brothers (series)
Starcraft

TV shows (including anime; mostly anime.)

Neon Genesis Evangelion
Cowboy Bebop
Outlaw Star
Seinfeld
Firefly

Movies

Fight Club
Being John Malkovich
The Secret of Nimh
Clerks 2
12 Monkeys

Top 5 games of 2008

GTA 4
Mother 3 (though it was released in like 2006 shut up)
Castle Crashers
Left 4 Dead (oh it will be.)
Devil May Cry 4 (I really enjoyed it.)
Not Spore.

Music:

Igorrr
Beirut
Hellfish
NIN
Chet Baker

list

2008-10-31T16:22:00.000-07:00

gonna document my top 5 lists not in order just 5 best

games
1 mgs3
2 nmh
3 hl2
4 goldeneye
5 re4

movies
1 groundhog day
2 raising arizona
3 royal tennenbaums
4 raiders
5 star wars episode 5

shows
1 neon genesis evangelion (including movies)
2 mega64
3 seinfeld
4 30 rock
5 house

music
1 defiance ohio
2 licorice roots
3 love me nots
4 heartaches
5 talking heads

books

gahaha i dont read
im not a nerd

like him

basically

2008-10-23T21:29:00.000-07:00

why didnt anyone tell me about anime
ive been watching some animes lately and im pissed you guys didnt tell me about them
heres my reh-vous

cromartie high school
its like if you dubbed me and sarah palin over dragon ball z
fuckin awesome
"no more heroes anime"

paranoia agent
is like my psychology class anime
lil slugger is like me cause i solve everyones problems
maromi represents everything i love
the whole show is saying that the way i live my life is destroying japan
fuckin island folk should follow hawaii and join a better country called the USA!

now im in the middle of neon genesis evangelion
jesus christ this is why i hated anime
but really i just hated anime that copied evangelion

l4d soon im very cited
bond22 soon im very cited
animal crossing soon sorta cited
ffcc next year cited
condult next year cited
palin in two weeks very cited

people seriously want this instead of l4d

i guess i get it, fable 2 its like real life you get two guns at the same time? GROUNDBREAKING!

So lately!

2008-10-18T20:12:00.000-07:00

I've been playing games and doing other things. Here's my 2c.

Final Fantasy IX is so good. Zidane/Kuja would be one of the best main characters/villains in the Final Fantasy saga if they didn't have the most retarded/homoerotic designs ever. It's neat though. Not too many random encounters, not too much grindan, old school setting, cool characters, cool music, cool story, bro.

Prop 8: Hodie - I HATE ALL MARRIAGE

I really need to work on school stuff.

Mother 3 translation is out holy shit. This game has like awesome music and I like to listen to it. Good writing too. The Staff did an incredible job. Let's just hope now that Nintendo doesn't re-release Mother 3 and instead make a Mother 4. I honestly think Mother 3 does a lot more things right than Earthbound; so it does exactly what I'd expect from a sequel. Earthbound is still awesome though in it's own respects.

I've been playing more StarCraft lately. I might wanna get good this time.

I've been saying this to everyone for awhile now, but I really want just one MMO that dominates the market that's NOT World of Warcraft. MMORPG's are a fantastic genre that've brought some of the most memorable video game moments in my time. However, with video games being a business business, MMOs bring in the most revenue due to its subscription based play. There's like 50 thousand Mumorpaguhs out there(free and not free), and when you spread the player-base around like that it kind of takes away the 'massive' feel. Plus MMOs have been using the same god damn formula since Everquest, Asheron's Call, Anarchy Online, and Ultima Online which I consider to still be the best of the genre. And those were in their prime like 10 years ago.

My life's that of a teenager. Ergo it's not very difficult or interesting, like at all. So I don't have much to say about me. In 20 years or so I see myself dead, because I killed myself. Before that I think I was homeless or not going to college and having a minimum wage job. Or maybe I moved to Florida and continued to be unlikeable and have no friends. When in Rome!

All the politics

2008-10-15T18:56:00.001-07:00

Are making him sad.

all the politics

2008-10-14T22:32:00.000-07:00

are making me sad

i cant be making jokes this time

2008-10-08T21:08:00.000-07:00

this is way too serious

this topic is about the best announcement since al pacino

im very excited

Megaman 9

2008-10-06T22:44:00.000-07:00

If Capcom wanted to make shit they should've done it around 22 years ago when shit was acceptable.

I play better looking graphics on my MP3 player.

I play better game on my N-Gage.

Igive it my opinion ratings of 1/3

You're all nostalgic goggles.

weekend update

2008-10-06T20:21:00.000-07:00

like on that tv show

this weekend was like videogames and football
i played oblivion the fourth on saturday and it was good
if you shoot an invincible guy with an arrow he goes real far
so i did that

then on sunday i played videogames
i played
(bullet) ass-ass-in creed
(bullet) call of shit four
(bullet) red faction
(bullet) we hart katimari
(bullet) amplitude
(bullet) lego star wars two
(bullet) halo one
(bullet) dance dance reloveution
(bullet) portable ops

heres my reviews
(bullet) cool how cool they made boring look
(bullet) fun ideas dumb onliners but dumb onliners may equals fun may be
(bullet) best game of 1989
(bullet) Every day every night Kimi to ousama no rainbow Ai no message Everything everybody Motto osama no happiness Chichi no message
Every day every night You and the King's rainbow A message of love Everything everbody The King's happiness is increased A father's message
(bullet) two words blink one-eighty-two
(bullet) used the force on a guy and he popped
(bullet) best game at the special game developer awards
(bullet) like ron paul in vidya foam
(bullet) snake snake snaaake

ok now with that out of the way i can finally talk about the importants
so i know most of you know georgia from my history class
and yall probs no about the weather this past week cause yall probs from round here
if youre not then you wont get this story so just pretend this is the end of the blog

any way i was in that class
history
history class
and it was a hot day so mr. teacher said
hey lets go to the other room i know because it has ac
so when we were packing up to move i declared
i said to everyone around me
hey i like this idea of moving classrooms
what do you think
and georgia said that she was down with it
so i felt like maybe that was worht noting in the blog
but i wasnt going to post without consent so i asked
can i report that to my blogfans
and she said yes
so there you go

COME ON WOMEN KERRY'S OLD NEWS ITS ALL ABOUT OBAMA NOW
COMO SE DICE
COMO SE LLAMA
O BAMA O BAMA

cibolation

2008-10-06T19:48:00.000-07:00

sheberadatuib is cibolashun that i see
all members of chalbobation are in sibolation for all bogation
shelderation of molubation condensation

georgia says
im down with that!

If people were signposts

2008-10-03T23:47:00.001-07:00

It wouldn't make a difference.

Nintendo: October 2nd Press Conference

2008-10-02T03:33:00.001-07:00

Wii Lineup shown at the conference:

Sin & Punishment 2
Tatsunoko vs Capcom
New Klonoa game
Taiko no Tatsujin
A remake of Punch-out(?!)
Some other games that actually look cool BUT WEREN'T ANNOUNCED AT E3 WHAT THE FUCK NINTENDO

Freeware Games: Survival Crisis Z

2008-09-29T00:38:00.000-07:00

I'm a big fan of everything about zombies. Not so much a fanatic though. I don't fantasize about what I'll do with a combat shotgun surrounded by a cardboard box fortification I built myself. But they're still a pretty bad ass concept. They don't have morals, senses, perceptions, judgments, intentions, deadlines, or working organs. Just instinct. They're a force; an element, only meant for one thing. To fuck your shit up.
^FUCKING STUPID^

It's also happenstance that I'm a huge fan of freeware games. It's also happenstance that Skaware developed a freeware game about zombies called Survival Crisis Z.

Don't let screenshots fool you. The game's one of the best zombie-themed games ever.

You play as a guy who shoots undead things with guns. Or blows them up with things that blow up. Either way, you get set in this haunted randomized city with safe houses and not-safe houses scattered around. You can enter every building, in which you can scavenge for food, materials, money, guns and ammo or whatever. You'll come across some random hordes of zombies as you're exploring. Shoot them. You can talk to safe house owners to trade, get a random mission for money, or to compromise. By compromise I mean take the safe house over. When this happens however, it's just you against a horde of zombies that come in through every single hole in the wall of the building. If you can defend it, you get the safe house along with all the bonuses (a ready squad, you get money per zombie kill, etc.)

You can also make a bunch of shit to wreck with. Turrets and Molotov cocktails are a few examples.

The game's use of sound is crazy, which totally makes up for its graphics department. You have to play for yourself.

At midnight game-time, the city gets fucked up and you'll get teleported in and out of a silent hill-esque area. Shit is scary.

You're scary.

This game is scary - -

scary AWESOME

Only works with XP though.

http://skasoftware.com/files/scz.exe

Oh yeah there's also an arcade mode where you just keep shooting zombies with pick-ups and stuff. Just play the game already god damn.

I'M OUT

God damn bitches

2008-09-29T00:21:00.001-07:00

Just gonna put up my feelings about things for a sec.

Debate: Nobody won i hate you all shut up

Atlantica Online: Fuck yes you are cool but i have 300 ginseng what the fuck am i supposed to do with 300 ginseng optimize your shit. also i lag like shit out of nowhere what the hell is wrong with you

Weekend: eat because i sleep, sleep because i eat.

/v/ vent: you guys are cool i wish i could hang out with you but i cant stop yelling at me

Megaman 9: you're a cool guy but i need:

Left 4 Dead: YOU ARE AWESOME IM SEND GABE CHOCOLATES AND HEARTS IF IT TURNS OUT LIKE I HOPE IT WILL <33<3<33

People: OPEN THE DOOR, GET ON THE FLOOR, EVERYONE WALK THE DINOSAUR~

but seriously stop.

Life: Sleep late, wake early, talk to strangers, havE fun.

I love you and everyone.

television was called books

2008-09-27T12:36:00.000-07:00

i always lose i don't even like writing about it
i don't even like reading these days because there is nothing shocking: i'm just going to read infinite Jest over and over. when i'm reading real literature/articles/news i read so quick and i get to like twothirds-done and i stop because i understand the meaning of the literature/point of the article/relevance of the news: the end of things seems like insurance-of-beliefs for everyone around me
class feels like seven hours of being chained-down so i can't work to make money to buy bad things. but now with this new feeling about reading i don't even enjoy outside of class enough anymore.
last night when i went out to write and be drunk and cold all i could feel like was this:

'I DON'T KNOW YOU GUYS, BEING GOD IS A BIG RESPONSIBILITY
"I've just got this thing to show you. You have to come and see it."

"I have a bus to catch."

"You can get the next one."

"They're every half an hour," he objected.
"Please stay. You never stay."
"This had better be worth some of my time."
"Darling, just..."
Arnold was then just-inside the still swinging-doorway when his wife, whose face was still tear-stainedly-red whipped into their bedroom. He sighed. She passed through the hallway calmly, her footsteps even and relaxed; he didn't look up until she thrust the pocket-sized catharsis into his free hand, which, electrified by the sterility of the plastic, jolted up quickly to his eyeline for inspection. Behind it he thought he may have seen her teeth sneaking from the corners of her widening-lips.
"Wait, the plus means pregnant?"
While the months of resentment and true "getting-to-know-one-another-via-living-with-each-other-and-being-married" were to be turniqueted by embracing-arms, a jet-plane crushed their ceiling and smashed right into their bodies.'

My left me this morning

The Witcher:EE is 14.4 gigs.

2008-09-25T00:52:00.000-07:00

Let me tell you what my 77 gig internal HDD is made up of right now.

Warcraft 3
Diablo 2
Morrowind GOTY
Deus Ex GOTY
Quake 3 Arena
School.
Porn.
The Witcher.

Something look wrong with that list? Yeah there is. That list should be like ten times bigger. But it's not. Because The Witcher: Enhanced Edition is 14 fucking gigabytes.

Listen up CDPROJEKT. I have things to put on my HDD. Like art, culture, and chemistries. I have to do calculations and shit. Matchmaking, blind dates, and cons. Fucking alpha shit, okay? I don't have time to play your pussy-ass dress up game with dynamic numbers. Please, PLEASE find a way to compress your shit or I swear I'll have to schedual a 40-day famine just to play this game, 'cause I can't do anything else.

Fuck bitches.

-Tyler.

television was called books

2008-09-25T00:28:00.000-07:00

JOSHDRILLING VS. THE BLOG PT. TEW FOR A RECAP OF PART ONE TRY AND PICTURE AN HUNCHED OLD WOMAN WITH AN UMBRELLA OSMOTING INTO IL-JUNG'S LEATHERY SKULL
This is a graph showing increase in dopamine levels in the brain over time after being administered cocaine. if you'll notice, the dopamine levels actually rise just before being administered the cocaine also, clearly demonstrating something. Also! lincoln would be way grosser to fuck than douglas, it's not even questionable. this circle thing shows the demographic clientele ratio for public transportation. i've never understooden how 2% of the planet can just be 'other.' also what is 'home.' while you're think about science, get some andrew jackson:

no funny this time

2008-09-16T23:15:00.000-07:00

metal gear solid 3 review
if you dont like metal gear solid 3 fuck you

thats a lil poem i wrote

SOULJA BOI TELL EM

2008-09-16T19:50:00.000-07:00

SPORE: Before you buy.

2008-09-14T15:49:00.000-07:00

It's getting pirated out of every oriface.
8 hour game to Space Stage, even if you spend time creating shit.
It's exactly as they promised, which might seem like a lot, but every phase is a dumbed down mini-game.
It's fun seeing your friend's creatures and creations, and space stage is actually kind of fun.
Super underwhelming. Over hyped by the consumers, not the developers.
8/10.
I love you.

SPORE: Post-First Impression

2008-09-09T22:07:00.001-07:00

SPORE: Pre-First Impression

2008-09-09T20:48:00.000-07:00

-Tyler.

gaming worse than farting? we'll look into the subject at 11 o'clock

2008-09-08T20:28:00.000-07:00

ive been wanting to talk about this for a while

i went to las vegas recently

drove there

mhm

well anyway while i was there i realized

it was hot

hotter than hell

you see im from beautiful connecticut

from middlesex to be exact

where our temperature is around 43 degrees fahrenheit almost all the time

so the 1200 degree weather in las vegas was a major change for me

so i did what most people would do to cope with the heat

i went to buy a slurpee

a slurpee sold at 7-11

a 7-11 that sold both slurpees and

madden 09

im not gonna repeat myself just read it again

madden 09 in a slurpee store

what has this industry come to

ill tell you what its come to

its come to relying on pretty pictures of payton

mannings to sell games

well it wasnt always that way

the adventures of tom thumb #1 selling atari game in '87

remember the first time you saw that cover

games used to have style

now its just a new payton manning every god damn year

now who do i blame all this bullsh*t on

magicians

fuckin penn and teller

i saw them in las vegas too

was gonna do an interview with them for this blog

was gonna start out saying

what do you think of videogames

i did ask them

they said

we dont play videogames

we just put the spells on the payton manning covers so people buy them

i threw down my notepad and left

im pissed

i feel like expressing my emotions in pic of the blog form

thats my facial expression and my attitude towards magicians

naw i feel bad not giving you a funny pic

here ya go

now yall know my feelings about puking

Freeware Games: Knytt and Knytt Stories

2008-09-08T19:27:00.000-07:00

Oh shit. Oh SHIT. I bet you didn't even expect you'd be downloading one of the worst games of all time today did you? Oh god, now I know why they call it freeware. Paying for this or not, this shit would not only be called criminal, but also ethically, morally, and psychologically WRONG.

So, many of you have probably heard of the Grand Theft Auto series. The series is famous for the immense amounts of controversy surrounding the adult content while still being partly available to minors.

Oh hey, Earth to press? Hello? I'd like to inform you about a "game" called Knytt.

I mean, I've been on the internet. I've been using the internet for over 7 years in fact, so I'm basically an internet adept (or whatever you security programmers call it).

And I've seen some things.

But holy Christ.

Brace yourself.

Let's take a look at the main character for Knytt Stories.

Oh god. Oh fuck. I get sick just looking at that. I mean not only is the character in the nude, but look at the expression on its face. It's that terrible mix of pride and arrogance that makes you really think about our world today. Perhaps he caused 9/11. Perhaps he is the one keeping tobacco legalized. Perhaps he is responsible for the dark forces that motivate the sick intentions of pedophiles. Oh I know that feeling. It feels as if your dick is about to cry. Those aren't tears.

So you may ask, with such an appallingly explicit character design, what could you possibly do in this game? Well I'll tell you straight up, no bullshit, no strings attached, no fluff, this is exactly what you do:

Explore.

Let that settle in the kettle for a moment, I know. What kind of game would just have you explore? What incentive could their possibly be? Well fucking hold tight, cause I'll tell you.

So your main character is relaxing after, what can only be assumed, a rampage of killing deer, throwing away blank sheets of paper, and creating greenhouse gases. Out of nowhere, a latino time-traveling immigrant comes on a futuristic airship, bringing future technologies, philosophies, books, and ways only to better our lives.

Of course, Knytt isn't gonna have any of this.

Without hesitation, he throws sticks, rocks, and his mother's favorite china at our poor amigo, which inevitably leads to his ship exploding. The latino, firmly believing in a little thing called justice, tells Knytt to go and find all the ship's pieces or else he'll scold the young boy, perhaps a few spankings. Knytt only laughs in his face at this remarkably tame and good-mannered punishment, right before you gain control over the game. From here, you basically explore the entire world in search for the parts, only to sell them on the black market. The areas you explore are absolutely breathtaking, that is, before you get there. "Music" plays every once in awhile depending on what area, but hardly even passes as music. Imagine the sound of a man being forcefully fucked up his mouth, ass, and ear, by a horse who's suffering from downs syndrome and has gashes with puss that gradually waterfall into the man's mouth as he's screaming. Sodomites.

Each time you sell a part, the game goes to a cutscene of the latino crying one tear. One, solemn, genuine, tear. I can't even go over what happens when you sell all the parts. Let's just say the Japanese people wouldn't be phased at all.

It's honestly games like this that ruin the industry. Games that deserve to be in the spotlight, games that genuinely show that the medium should and can be treated with respect, are forced to rest in this game's shadow.

If you have connections, please, I and all sane people beg you, order a hit on Nicklas Nygren.

http://nifflas.ni2.se/

-Tyler.

This Weekend, 2cb (?), with good times and good people.

2008-09-07T16:53:00.000-07:00

My summary:

Kris and Dano like to overhype stuff in their spare time, which is all the time.

Dano's face makes me laugh.

I finally remembered the whole experience. Very strange. Won't forget it.

If Kris is interested, we'll talk about it.

God I'm hungry.

Very tired. Very slow.

Will Wright is a dick. Seriously.

Let's do lanch.

-Tyler.

old gaems

2008-09-07T09:03:00.000-07:00

i played them

doom sucks

well its good

but it sucks

i like curse of monkey island

best game

i really think this game

myst would be better if my computer could make

its graphics good

right now theyre craphics

gonna play tomb raider 2 and alice tonight

oh wait

nvm

im gonna be playing the best gaem ever made tonight

i love the diversity of everything

spore is the game of obama

i love all the colours

i love ai

its like life in a box

i love the rythm aspects of the game

i love how i can blow up planets

i love the jokes

napoleon dynamite quality jokes

i mean gimmie your tots

a farmer shoots a cow in front of a bunch of school kids

napoleon says the defect in this one is bleach

well i saw the movie last night and i think the defect in this movie is

bad story

bad characters

bad arty framing

bad racism

bad movie

1.5/100

napoleon+llama=fail

Osu!

2008-09-05T20:28:00.000-07:00

Hey. What the fuck are you doing? Not playing this FUCKING AWESOME VERSION OF OSU! I FOUND.

http://osu.ppy.sh/?p=download

Before you go in, you should know what you're dealing with. Probably one of the best rhythm games ever made, is now available for the PC freely. It has a Stepmania-esque community where you can download custom and already-done songs for Osu!. There's multiplayer, online rankings, why the fuck aren't you playing it yet holy shit.

There's no words to describe this rhythm game. It's fast, it's fun, asian's love it. Derek, I'm talking to you buddy.

I have no wit tonight, sorry ladies. See you after the weekend.

-Tyler.

ok so this is gonna be my last post for a while

2008-09-04T22:15:00.000-07:00

naw not really i love you guys too much

ive been thinking about the obama situation for a while now and i gotta say

its outta this world

i mean sure i guess tolerance is supposed to be what were all programmed to do these days but seriously

am i supposed to tolerate this obamanation

heh heh

or should i say abidenation

heh heh

john biden for vice president what is obama thinking

the whole idea of a governmental leader is someone who will represent us

not a puppet i dont believe in puppets

we cant have some vice president ready to take over who will not follow our wishes so that

instead

he can please his oh so holy pope

or should i say poop

heh heh

well its not up to me im way past my voting years these days

all i can really do is sit here and let the young ones absorb

my truth and hopefully ill get some real decider makers this november

heres some more proof

hmm looks like that table cloth is made outta old pope hat material

4chan: Secret Club of the internet.

2008-09-04T21:49:00.000-07:00

Hey buddy. Hey. I heard you go to 4chan? Is that true?

Hey?

Wanna know something?

You just lost the game.

Lol.

See what I did there? You just lost the game. See, that's a 4chan joke. You're from 4chan. Me and you, we understand each other. Not like these uncultured fucks who don't know an inside joke when they see it. Think of how confused they are by the concept. I bet we have so many other similar interests, such as beating dead horses. Hey, wanna know somethin' else buddy? Shoop da whoop. Oh lol. Did you catch that? That's another 4chan joke. I think they call them "meme"s right?

Oh and how about those pictures huh? Pretty gross! Of course I like to stick D batteries up little girl's snatches so they don't affect me whatsoever. I'm totally desentized from going to 4chan. Hey y'know what I did to my friend the other day? I meatspinned him. He got so grossed out! What a fag.

Y'know what else is for fags? Morals. See, I learned this from 4chan. I can be a jerk to anyone, because why should they care? If they don't humor me, they're bitches. Simple and plain. Fuck bitches. I was on stickam the other night with this bitch, and get this, all I said was "do u like mudkips???", like, y'know, that 4chan meme. Fucking bitch told me to get out. Can you believe that? Talk about overreacting! But me and you, we're different. We're above that. We get things that no one else does.

You and I, we're gonna be best friends, I know it. Do you understand how much we have in common now, that we both go to 4chan? Because see, the difference between us, and them, is that they overreact to everything. If someone gets killed, we laugh, but they cry. We're above that. We can make jokes about rape, sexism, racism. We can be bigots. We can talk as foul as we want, because we're above that. Why is everyone else so afraid, so weak. Why make a fuss over little things.

Why don't they understand?

-Tyler

Tyler Cole, among bricks.

2008-09-03T21:53:00.000-07:00

Who am I, you ask? A stunning figure, 5 feet afoot with a hugely impressive rhetoric, some would say. A hero clad in invisible armor, with a strikingly powerful gait.

I like to review things, because I like to see how right I am about everything. See, people are ignorant. They're ignorant to the fact of how wrong they all are, all the time. This is where I come in. I see my gift as a beacon of hope among this infested pile of mediocrity and unsuccess. I am wit incarnate.

Enough with introductions. I can't believe I posted that review of Castle Crashers only for it to be debunked by these two degenerates.

-Tyler.

karl nanders, an introduction

2008-09-03T21:29:00.000-07:00

hi guys im karl welcome to elaborate calculus

not sure what to write here just yet i dont really go out much

i watch a lot of television and videogames while i generally used to stay away from the movies and internet due to my lack of interest in art but lately my friends and family are proving to me that the internet is not art but a whole new world of opportunity

the internet is a new world of opportunity

when i say world i mean world in the sense of planet earth or on an even bigger scale jupiter

with all these new connections of the internet the opportunities may even surpass the gas giant

but with all this size comes confusion

thats where i come in

i have come to bring you all the best parts of this new terrain

and in order to make sure your hooked ill give you one of the best pictures ever posted onto a internet

plane+car=comedy

watch this page because you know you want to

i remain unwitty

2008-09-03T21:13:00.000-07:00

in blaring contrast to my associates here. You will find my opinions often unoriginal or rehashed from more novel thinkers. You will find my tastes in music and the reasoning behind said tastes done not out of a love for the music, but the image it gives me. I hate video games. I like artwork that is generally disliked for the sake of liking a generally disliked something.

Also,
Cocks.

Kristian Talley

Castle Crashers: A biased and unprofessional review.

2008-09-03T20:05:00.000-07:00

What's the best game of all-time? You got a good guess? You're wrong. That'd be Madden '92. What's the best beat-em-up of all time? Also wrong. That'd be Castle Crashers, ladies and gentlemen.

Castle Crashers is the newest 4 MB flash game freely avaliable at Newgrounds at the moment. It's not too much to talk about honestly. There's like 2 characters, obviously inspired (RIPPED OFF) from TMNT. The music is basically a 4x4 beat that loops. Backgrounds, foregrounds, hell even COLOR is to be desired.

Of course I jest. This is probably the best beat-em-up to come out, like, ever. It's the ultimate homage to beat-em-ups. You won't play a better 2D beat-em-up ever. Y'know why? 'Cause unfortunately, the genre's a dying breed. Yeah, people don't like to play good games anymore. Shocker.

Where do I even start? It's made by the same guys who did Alien Hominid. Lead Programmer being Tom Fulp and Lead Artist being Dan Paladin. With an artist with such a badass last name, how can you go wrong? The game looks absolutely beautiful. Don't even start with those "ENJOY YOUR 15 DOLLAR FLASH GAME" comments as the game's art could easily sell for 15 dollar posters. I'll admit, some backgrounds/foregrounds are lackluster, but why are you paying attention to that. You should be busy looking at how cool you are, how much better you're doing than your friend, and how awesome the music is.

Did I mention the music? It's one of the best video game soundtracks ever. And it was all done by like 10+ different people all from Newgounds. No seriously, Behemoth only composed about 4 songs for the game. It's got your epic movie scores, it's got those silly techno beats, it's got magic. The reason for so many styles is because of all the different areas. The game has every imaginable area that you can be awesome in, EXCEPT a city. Play Alien Hominid for that, cheapskate. And I'm not exaggerating either. Snow, Lava/Volcano, Magic, Castle/Village, Ship, Undead, Forest, you name it, it has it.

Gameplay. As it can't be stated enough, the gameplay is magnificent. Animations are clean, controls are intuitive, and the pacing is constant. Combat is done two ways: Melee (Heterosexuals) and Magic (Homosexuals). As you bash baddies, you gain XP and level up, which in return gives you stat points to spend on STR(Straight), INT(Gay), DEX(Guro), or VIT(Inflation). The more gay you get, the more spells you unlock and the more powerful they are. The more straight you get, the more damage you do with regular attacks. It's common sense to basically max out Straight and Gay for a good balance, and that leaves you with one decision. Guro or Inflation? It's basically whatever rocks your boat from then on.

There's also little animal buddies called Animal Orbs that help you a random way. And lots and lots of weapons. Fuck this game is fantastic.

Replayability? It's about five hours with one character. Read: One. There's like 20+ to unlock. You start out with four. Think about that. Imagine how much asskicking you'll do. You came, didn't you? I know I did, because there's also insane mode after you beat the normal one. That's rougly 10 hours with each character.

Flaws? The game has none. All ages can play this game. All races can enjoy it. Xbox Live is borked at the moment, but what's new?

I got 99 problems and Castle Crashers is the solution to all of them.

9/10.

Creation.

2008-09-03T19:57:00.001-07:00

I made this blog in dedication and tribute to America's greatest creative mind, Jim Davis.

RIP Don LaFontaine, Bernie Mac, Isaac Hayes, Heath Ledger, All Victims, and Derek Ackawzda.

ELABORATE CALCULUS: The Life and Times

while the rains a turnin the ditches to mirroros

And Im smart

I got thinking today

This blog

Top 5 Video Games.

Me

I have not blogged in awhile.

Why does Valve always make good games

left 4 dead

When FPS' are "bad ass".

Senator Broken Jpg

Senator Barack Obama

My top 5's off the TOP of my head!

list

basically

So lately!

All the politics

all the politics

i cant be making jokes this time

Megaman 9

weekend update

cibolation

If people were signposts

Nintendo: October 2nd Press Conference

Freeware Games: Survival Crisis Z

God damn bitches

television was called books

The Witcher:EE is 14.4 gigs.

television was called books

no funny this time

SOULJA BOI TELL EM

SPORE: Before you buy.

SPORE: Post-First Impression

SPORE: Pre-First Impression

gaming worse than farting? we'll look into the subject at 11 o'clock

Freeware Games: Knytt and Knytt Stories

This Weekend, 2cb (?), with good times and good people.

old gaems

Osu!

ok so this is gonna be my last post for a while

4chan: Secret Club of the internet.

Tyler Cole, among bricks.

karl nanders, an introduction

i remain unwitty

Castle Crashers: A biased and unprofessional review.

Creation.